perks of ani

It still hurts like hell. It is fucking painful. But you know I have no choice, right? Only God and these four walls I permit to witness me crying, once again for you. Every night I still feel numb. Why is it so easy for you to let me go? Why is it so easy for you to act as if I was nothing and insignificant? Because I can't.

You choose to walk away, to give up on me. And I, who is even willing to fight for you with only a little remaining pride left, choose to give all she had. But you choose to give up on me. You choose to throw me away. Of course I understand. Who am I anyway? Just a stupid girl with no pride left. Just a replaceable stupid girl. Just someone who is stupidly hoping for a little chance. Now I feel sad for you, I'm not sure if there will be another stupid girl like me for you. Because I'm know I'm the best at loving you. And you choose to shoo me away. You leave me no choice.

Yesterday I went to the city where our story began. I swear that every corner of the city smells him. Remember when you ride me with a bike? There was a sudden rain poured us. So we stopped and I bought you that stupid plastic rain coat. Remember when we walked together? We watched a movie together while you said you were never interested to do such thing. I remember every little thing about us. It hurts, it still fucking hurts. It takes everything in me to avoid you, to see you, to get near you. I don't wanna be your friend anymore, I've been trying for years. It's impossible. You know what? You choose to give up on me. You choose to not fight further. You choose to stop. And I stupidly think of giving everything that it takes to you. I am stupid and I am the one who lost. But you also lose me, someone like myself who wants to give everything she has just for you. And you choose to throw me away.

apalagi yang diharapkan oleh seorang pengagum rahasia? selain perasaan yang berbalas. apalagi yang diinginkan oleh seorang wanita yang berharap? selain ingin diperjuangkan.

sayang, aku memang kehilangan kamu. tapi aku baru saja kehilangan satu potensi keburukan untukku di masa depan. sedangkan kamu? kamu kehilangan satu potensi kebaikan untukmu di masa depan. memangnya kamu yakin di masa depan akan ada yg rela berkorban untukmu? seseorang seindah diriku, yg rela berjuang sejauh itu untuk kamu? aku sendiri ragu kalau memang ada. dan aku kau sia-siakan. aku harap kau akan merasakannya di masa depan. rasa sakit yang aku rasa sekarang. bahkan seharusnya lebih pedih. biar kamu tahu, biar kamu juga mendapat pelajaran hidup.

for the very first time im not comfortable with people. i just wanna be alone, please.

i decided to fake a smile, for i want them to not worry too much about me. i decided to be happy, for i don't want them to be sad just because i'm sad. i decided to have space and time, for i want to be alone. i hate to be surrounded by people, for the first time, i feel not safe. only being alone will make me secure. i wanna be together only with myself. please, let me.

people are still harsh to me. now i don't trust people. i just wanna trust God.

4days have passed. and all I think about is still us.

i still can understand if she disapproved me out of my bad traits. but that reason, isn't it quite absurd? it's not something i can change. :(