perks of ani

dulu aku heran... kenapa mereka menangis? kenapa mereka terlalu larut dalam cinta dan kesedihan? yaa mungkin sedih, tapi aku tak percaya jika itu bisa sampai membuat kita meneteskan air mata. memangnya sebesar itu apa rasa kita ke seseorang sampe2 bisa bikin kita nangis? rasa2nya terlalu absurd. dan mungkin aku kualat. karena sekarang aku paham rasanya. begini toh sakitnya. gak sanggup. jadi perasaanku terbuang sia2 kah? rasa yang udah aku pelihara bertahun2, semudah itu kah jadi sirna? Tuhan... bantu aku untuk kuat. bantu aku untuk bisa melupakan dia. bantu aku untuk bisa membuka hati. karena sekarang kemungkinan itu terasa tidak mungkin. bagaimana bisa? aku sudah jatuh terlalu dalam.

choose your mom. who am i to be worth to make you fight with your mom? she gave birth to you. she raised you. in your body there runs her flesh and blood. who am i? just a mere girl you've known for several years. just a mere girl who've been liking you stupidly for several years. i am nothing, right? i am so replaceable. choose her. not me. even though my heart whispers that i want to be worth fighting for, at least you try to keep me. you defend me just a little bit. maybe that will make a change.

I used to be so naive that I think marriage can happen between two people falling in love. Yes, it's very naive to forget many factors can happen. And sometimes you can't do anything about it. It hurts but it's okay. I'm going to move on now.

before i fade you in my memories, i really wanna hear from you. your thoughts, about me. what you think, about us. I'm tired of liking you, dear. I'm tired of wishful thinking.

Now thinking of you and me bring me to tears. How to make you know what I feel? God, I wish all these pains go away.... immediately.

kamu punya banyak pilihan, aku salah satunya. mungkin bukan yang utama. nomor kesekian yang menjadi kemungkinanmu. tidak seperti aku, disodori berbagai pilihan pun, prioritasku tetap kamu. andai saja aku dan kamu sama. setara dalam rasa. seperti aku yang mengingatmu saat gerimis ataupun badai petir. seperti aku yang gagal melupakanmu ketika berkunjung kota kembang. seperti aku yang berharap ada kamu di masa depanku. seperti aku yang selalu membandingkan orang yang baru dengan kamu. seperti aku yang bodoh, aku juga ingin kamu seperti aku. menjadi bodoh jika itu tentang aku. andai saja.

it hurts when you like someone so much, or you love him very deep and very much without ever saying it loudly, without even belonging to each other. you can't shout it out, there's a hole inside your heart. and that hurts. hurts so much like an incurable pain. they said i should meet other persons. they said i should stop thinking about him. they said i should get myself busy. they won't ever understand, it's still unfinished with him. it's just something that ended without closure. i still don't get the explanation. my head is still full of those question marks. it still feels so empty here... how could I ever move on? teach me how? I always fail. I've done repeating for years. nothing ever cured me. God, I need help.